After twelve hours on the road from Florida to Maryland, we're finally in our hotel one mile from campus and nine from D.C. It's wonderful to be back again, though amazing how much has changed in the course of the summer. Tomorrow's going to be insane. I have a lot of stuff in storage, and our goal is to get everything from storage into the apartment... I don't think that's going to happen exactly, but it's a nice dream.
I'm home and not home at the same time. I know I should be used to this, nothing has been "home" since my parents moved from the house I grew up in a year and a half ago and moved to Rogers and then again to The Villages last fall, but I don't think I'll ever forget it. I miss knowing where home is, knowing that it's a place where all of my friends are, where I have memories. Home is now split between a small villa under the Florida sun and a smaller apartment on the UMCP campus.
But, tomorrow, I shall find a new home.
23 August 2006
22 August 2006
Dear, To, Me.
Dear,
The three year old girl who talked to the spirit in the tree.
The five year old ballerina.
The eight year old activist.
The ten year old horseback rider.
The twelve year old singer.
The thirteen year old thespian.
The sixteen year old techie.
The endless dreamer, writer, artist.
To,
The girl who...
Smiled for the cameras.
Jumped for the gold.
Fought 'til the end.
Twirled for the videos.
Turned "it" on for the judges.
Stood shoulder to shoulder with Ed McMahon.
Scribbled under the stars.
Danced for Mickey Mouse.
Read under the covers.
Sang for anyone who would listen.
Loved until it hurt.
You are me.
But I am
Not you
Anymore.
Time has shredded,
Broken,
Smashed
You.
And you grabbed up your duct tape and super glue,
And put me together.
I may have some seams and scars,
But I'm okay.
Embrace you.
Revel in the fact that you are you.
Know that
With a little tape
And a little glue
Everything will be alright.
Me.
The three year old girl who talked to the spirit in the tree.
The five year old ballerina.
The eight year old activist.
The ten year old horseback rider.
The twelve year old singer.
The thirteen year old thespian.
The sixteen year old techie.
The endless dreamer, writer, artist.
To,
The girl who...
Smiled for the cameras.
Jumped for the gold.
Fought 'til the end.
Twirled for the videos.
Turned "it" on for the judges.
Stood shoulder to shoulder with Ed McMahon.
Scribbled under the stars.
Danced for Mickey Mouse.
Read under the covers.
Sang for anyone who would listen.
Loved until it hurt.
You are me.
But I am
Not you
Anymore.
Time has shredded,
Broken,
Smashed
You.
And you grabbed up your duct tape and super glue,
And put me together.
I may have some seams and scars,
But I'm okay.
Embrace you.
Revel in the fact that you are you.
Know that
With a little tape
And a little glue
Everything will be alright.
Me.
18 August 2006
Release
Blank.
White page.
Empty lines.
Staring
Mocking
Three a.m.
Four
Sleep eludes me
Want
Need
Must
Write
No rest for the weary
Thoughts build
Pressing dam
Unwielding
Want
Need
Must
Make silence
Make stillness in my head
Pencil to paper
open the dam
relieve the
mounting cracks
gaping wider
and longer
and wider
threat growing
for my thoughts
to implode
no explosion
just erosion
a slow
subtle
wearing
of my sanity
slipping further
Pencil to paper
Release.
17 August 2006
Holocaust
When I was seven years old, I climbed to the top of my treehouse with the children of one of my father's business associates. Our parents were inside talking over the requisite glasses of wine, and we had been released to expend our energy as kids often do -- running amok under the stars. But this night was different.
On this night, cross-legged on the wooden planks, the heat of a Memphis summer pressing down upon us, we had other matters of importance. As the fireflies danced around us, their elder son began to impart his new found knowledge. He must have been only ten at the time, but to me, he seemed ancient as he talked about dividing fractions and Hitler's attempt at annihilating an entire race.
This conversation was only three weeks shy of my third grade lesson on the Holocaust, but this hushed speech left a greater impression on me than any school room lecture ever did. That night sparked my crusade for learning anything about the disenfranchised and the persecuted. I think that's the reason that to this day, I still have a tendency to "collect" strays. I seem to draw people who are drifting in life.
They stick around long enough to become comfortable with themselves again, and, more often than not, as soon as they have found their bearings, they slowly begin to realize just how little we have in common. Some of them stick around and have become some of my closest friends, but many have drifted out of my life much the same way they came into it.
I wish I could say that their disappearances brought great sadness, but I don't feel sad -- I'm grateful. Grateful that both of our lives were brought together, even for such a short period of time, and grateful that in some small way I could say that I have made a difference in another person's life.
On this night, cross-legged on the wooden planks, the heat of a Memphis summer pressing down upon us, we had other matters of importance. As the fireflies danced around us, their elder son began to impart his new found knowledge. He must have been only ten at the time, but to me, he seemed ancient as he talked about dividing fractions and Hitler's attempt at annihilating an entire race.
This conversation was only three weeks shy of my third grade lesson on the Holocaust, but this hushed speech left a greater impression on me than any school room lecture ever did. That night sparked my crusade for learning anything about the disenfranchised and the persecuted. I think that's the reason that to this day, I still have a tendency to "collect" strays. I seem to draw people who are drifting in life.
They stick around long enough to become comfortable with themselves again, and, more often than not, as soon as they have found their bearings, they slowly begin to realize just how little we have in common. Some of them stick around and have become some of my closest friends, but many have drifted out of my life much the same way they came into it.
I wish I could say that their disappearances brought great sadness, but I don't feel sad -- I'm grateful. Grateful that both of our lives were brought together, even for such a short period of time, and grateful that in some small way I could say that I have made a difference in another person's life.
Revelation
Revelation. It's an odd little word. It's the symbol on the cover of my written journal. It means all too many things to too many people. For some, it's a symbol of fear in the form of the "Book of..."; it is the end of the world - it is destruction. A revelation can be positive or negative. It can mean you've suddenly found your purpose in life, or it can mean you've just discovered your lover has lied through the entirety of your relationship.
For me, revelation is awe, fear, and intense sadness all rolled into one. It's the exhilaration of walking onto an empty stage before the cast has arrived and knowing that is is where I truly belong. It's sitting alone in the dead of night, terrified that I've somehow become lost along the way. It's the gutwrenching moment when a friend's death becomes real and I must accept that there will be no more pictures, phone calls, or hugs.
Revelation is that moment of finality when there is no turning back. It has the power to knock you instantly to your knees or lift you above the highest mountain. It isn't just a descriptive word -- it's what makes life truly worth living -- holding out for those delicious revelations of purpose and wading through the revelations of desperation.
For me, revelation is awe, fear, and intense sadness all rolled into one. It's the exhilaration of walking onto an empty stage before the cast has arrived and knowing that is is where I truly belong. It's sitting alone in the dead of night, terrified that I've somehow become lost along the way. It's the gutwrenching moment when a friend's death becomes real and I must accept that there will be no more pictures, phone calls, or hugs.
Revelation is that moment of finality when there is no turning back. It has the power to knock you instantly to your knees or lift you above the highest mountain. It isn't just a descriptive word -- it's what makes life truly worth living -- holding out for those delicious revelations of purpose and wading through the revelations of desperation.
08 August 2006
Beginnings
The end of the beginning.
The beginning of the end.
Complex. Paradox.
Rainbows. Triangles. Love.
Shunned.
Narrow. Traditional. Anger.
Preserved.
A generation searches
Peace. Tolerance. Knowledge.
Forbidden.
For corporation
For oil
For an end of freedoms
Beginning of tyranny
Ours.
The beginning of the end.
The end of the beginning.
The beginning of the end.
Complex. Paradox.
Rainbows. Triangles. Love.
Shunned.
Narrow. Traditional. Anger.
Preserved.
A generation searches
Peace. Tolerance. Knowledge.
Forbidden.
For corporation
For oil
For an end of freedoms
Beginning of tyranny
Ours.
The beginning of the end.
The end of the beginning.
It's a not so beautiful day...
My life just keeps getting more and more exciting. I'm going into my second full week alone with two dogs and two turtles. And I'm so ready for human contact again! I mean, as much as I love getting up at 6 in the morning because Caela has decided the best way to spend the rest of her sleep time is on my back (and twenty five pounds of dog on muscle relaxants is not a pleasant feeling), I long for the days of sleeping until 9. I guess I should be grateful, I'm catching up on my sixth season of Buffy-verse in syndication.
The highlight of the weekend was purchasing pretty colored composition books on sale at Target, along with calcium bones for the turtles and kongs to keep the pups busy when it rains (Te's deathly afraid of storms, and the best way to get him through it is to give him a yummy treat that also takes forever to eat).
The turtles have taken to playing Superman all 10 hours that their basking light is on. I guess they think they're going to take off flying to Pond Land where the scary person no longer talks to them... although I think they're growing fond of me. They swim to the side of the tank whenever I come near... Or maybe it's because my arrival often means that food or weird chewing treats will soon appear in the tank. Hm. Food for thought! (pun intended)
The highlight of the weekend was purchasing pretty colored composition books on sale at Target, along with calcium bones for the turtles and kongs to keep the pups busy when it rains (Te's deathly afraid of storms, and the best way to get him through it is to give him a yummy treat that also takes forever to eat).
The turtles have taken to playing Superman all 10 hours that their basking light is on. I guess they think they're going to take off flying to Pond Land where the scary person no longer talks to them... although I think they're growing fond of me. They swim to the side of the tank whenever I come near... Or maybe it's because my arrival often means that food or weird chewing treats will soon appear in the tank. Hm. Food for thought! (pun intended)
Connections
We all are, at least to some degree. It's almost incomprehensible. Our actions -- large or small -- have an effect on people worlds away, in the present and in the future. Actions don't have to be the catastrophic missiles Israel launches at Lebanon, or terrorists striking innocent people, or our own troops striking innocent people. Actions can begin in the sees of intolerance, or tolerance, planted by a parent in a child's head. Or the simple act of picking up a dropped pencil for a stranger. Or ignoring a cry for help.
The events the world faces at this moment have not appeared over night. The wars we are facing today are the same wars we were fighting ten, thirty, a hundred years ago -- there are just new faces attached to these battles now.
We have failed to learn. To learn from history. To learn from our mistakes. To learn from ourselves. To learn from each other. We have yet to grasp just how much we all have in common, and until then, we'll learn nothing at all.
The events the world faces at this moment have not appeared over night. The wars we are facing today are the same wars we were fighting ten, thirty, a hundred years ago -- there are just new faces attached to these battles now.
We have failed to learn. To learn from history. To learn from our mistakes. To learn from ourselves. To learn from each other. We have yet to grasp just how much we all have in common, and until then, we'll learn nothing at all.
05 August 2006
Just a day late..
Five on Friday
Shop-a-holic
1. What are your five favorite stores? Target, Books-A-Million, Borders, Kohl's, Ebay! *L*
2. Is there any store you absolutely hate going to? Not really. I'm usually not a huge fan of shopping in general..
3. Do you pay with cash, credit, debit, or something else? Usually with debit, though I tend to spend much more than I should that way. It just feels like I'm spending fake money.
4. Do you prefer to shop in person or online? In person. I like seeing the things I'm buying. (you know, so when ordering a 4'' natural light bulb for my turtles, I do not receive a foot long sun glo lamp for brightening fish color)
5. In the last six months, what single purchase has been the most important to you? Ha. This is an easy one, Oscar and Felix. Since they're living creatures, I should hope that they're the most important purchase I've made!
Shop-a-holic
1. What are your five favorite stores? Target, Books-A-Million, Borders, Kohl's, Ebay! *L*
2. Is there any store you absolutely hate going to? Not really. I'm usually not a huge fan of shopping in general..
3. Do you pay with cash, credit, debit, or something else? Usually with debit, though I tend to spend much more than I should that way. It just feels like I'm spending fake money.
4. Do you prefer to shop in person or online? In person. I like seeing the things I'm buying. (you know, so when ordering a 4'' natural light bulb for my turtles, I do not receive a foot long sun glo lamp for brightening fish color)
5. In the last six months, what single purchase has been the most important to you? Ha. This is an easy one, Oscar and Felix. Since they're living creatures, I should hope that they're the most important purchase I've made!
Musings
I am a child of war -- not strife, at least, not completely, but war nonetheless. I haven't fought on foreign soil. I wasn't born into a combat torn nation. I am an American citzen who's life has never been touched, at least directly, by international terrorism, bombs, or gunfire. I've never been trapped in a situation in which my life was directly in danger, so, how can I say that I am the product of strife?
You see, in today's world, war isn't black and white. War is no longer always about men and women gathering together in a fight to the death. That war is still a part of our lives, now perhaps more than ever. There's combat continuing in all parts of the world. There's gunfire and bombing in Iraq, in Israel, in Palestine, in Lebanon. Of course, there's also gunfire on American streets: random killings, methodical murders, acts of terrorism.
But, there's also more subtle forms of war. There's a constant battle against peer pressure -- both for children and adults. There are battles in courtrooms for and against the legalization of same sex marriage -- a battle for rights that seem to be guaranteed to every person in the country, but rights that continue to be denied. Men and women fight for their lives every day against addiction -- alcoholism, illegal drugs, and prescription drugs. Still more men, women, and children fight against terminal illnesses in a struggle to be that one person who beats the odds.
War is a part of our everyday lives. War isn't just a concept of the chess pieces moved in international relations, it's a piece of the fabric that weaves all of us together. Peace isn't about the absence of war; at this point in our evolution, I doubt we are even capable of such a concept. Peace is about people not fighting their small wars alone. Peace is people working together to cope, to live, to grow. Peace is creating the building blocks of unity to find a way to oblivate war tomorrow.
You see, in today's world, war isn't black and white. War is no longer always about men and women gathering together in a fight to the death. That war is still a part of our lives, now perhaps more than ever. There's combat continuing in all parts of the world. There's gunfire and bombing in Iraq, in Israel, in Palestine, in Lebanon. Of course, there's also gunfire on American streets: random killings, methodical murders, acts of terrorism.
But, there's also more subtle forms of war. There's a constant battle against peer pressure -- both for children and adults. There are battles in courtrooms for and against the legalization of same sex marriage -- a battle for rights that seem to be guaranteed to every person in the country, but rights that continue to be denied. Men and women fight for their lives every day against addiction -- alcoholism, illegal drugs, and prescription drugs. Still more men, women, and children fight against terminal illnesses in a struggle to be that one person who beats the odds.
War is a part of our everyday lives. War isn't just a concept of the chess pieces moved in international relations, it's a piece of the fabric that weaves all of us together. Peace isn't about the absence of war; at this point in our evolution, I doubt we are even capable of such a concept. Peace is about people not fighting their small wars alone. Peace is people working together to cope, to live, to grow. Peace is creating the building blocks of unity to find a way to oblivate war tomorrow.
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